Thursday, June 24, 2010

'I can do everything through Him who gives me strength'

It’s in this quietness I think the most. Amidst the loud hum of the computer tower and occasional pounce of the robust cat I ponder God’s plan for me. I know I am in the right place, but should I be moving? I feel like I am getting ready to be moved, like it or not.

My soul agitates my plans; back and forth, round and round they go, violently. I let God in on the action, and I know all will come out spotless, spanking clean, brilliant. He is my detergent, my lye, my poison against filth.

God a poison? Yes, a poison to those to whom the truth makes sick. Truth is not just sickening to them. It makes them physically ill because they don’t know the truth will set them free. They are not happy without turmoil. They are not happy. I will pray for them because I have been where they are. It is a dark place with little air and no room to move. It is a pit, cold and damp, slimy, enclosed, small. It hurts to be in that place. It lacks light.

I once lived in a tunnel where the only light was a pinhole a million miles away. It was so tiny yet so bright it hurt to look at it. It made more than just my eyes hurt; it made my whole body hurt, ache, cry. I didn’t like to cry. I didn’t cry for three years once. I sat through my baby’s funeral and didn’t shed a tear. In 1994, I cried for three days straight.

Maybe that kind of pain is the kind of pain my enemies feel? Everybody hurts. REM said so, so it must be true. I still hurt. I like to think I don’t take it out on others for silly reasons, but I know I do. My husband can attest to that.

I have no right to criticize anyone. I have fallen on more than one occasion. I have fallen hard just this month. I am ashamed of myself this month, to tell you the truth, so I have no room to judge others or how they feel. I do not, however, care to be on the receiving end of their bitterness. I suppose no one does.

I have tried to concentrate on other things and let God handle the rest, but I forget God doesn’t just handle things … until He’s asked. It never occurred to me to ask. I kept going to Scripture for advice and comfort – mostly for comfort, but I really feel God pushing me, today in particularly, to move.

Part of my daily readings today was Psalm 119:47: May the arrogant be put to shame for wronging me without cause …

I want to get into a giant spitting match with the arrogant who are pushing me to my limits. I have to keep reminding myself that God has no limits, and with Him on my side, neither do I, so I cannot be pushed to my limits. In that sense, I will NOT be moved. It’s hard not to lose my cool. I want to write about every despicable thing they’ve ever done or said to me and others. But it’s not about me. This is God’s plan here. There is a greater worth than me at stake. Humanity is at stake, somehow. Don’t ask me how. I’m just a cog in the wheel. I hope I don’t get rusty and fall off.

Just now, as I was typing, my e-mail alert went off, and I went immediately from this page to my inbox. Normally, I would ignore my e-mail in the middle of writing, but I did not hesitate today to check it. It was my Scripture of the Day … which generally arrives by 7:30 a.m. It is 11:13 a.m. right now. Guess who just sent me an e-mail. Here’s what He said: “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.” - Matthew 7:24

In a prayer I said the day before yesterday, I thanked God for helping me establish a firm foundation.

Still think God doesn’t speak to us?

He speaks alright. Sometimes, it’s just very, very, very, very hard to hear Him. Sometimes, we aren’t listening, and sometimes, it’s just too darn loud. I have been in some very loud places lately, and I haven’t spent any quality time with God. I have paid the price. A Scripture I heard on the radio this morning alluded to that. I am now taking it to heart.

I know God knows what I’m going through. I know He is here. I have been relying on Him to solve my problems. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask Him what my roll might be in all this junk I like to call “ridiculousness.” I thought sitting by quietly, humbly would do the trick. Maybe I’ve been sitting by idly instead? Big difference. Of the Bible passages I’ve read so far, I don’t recall God ever letting anyone just sit around and do nothing while He fixes all the problems. I have yet to read about the guy who asks God to handle all the dirty work while he eats grapes underneath the fans of a dozen faithful, beautiful maidservants.


I am praying now for God to lay out His plan for me, so I can roll up my sleeves and get to work. I am in this situation for a reason. God has revealed part of that reason to me time and time again. I’m just not sure what He wants me to do with the part to which I’m privy. I do know I’m going to have to put away my pride in order to make it work according to His plan and not mine.

So where do I start, Lord? Here, I guess. Here I am. I know You have led me here for a reason, God, and I know, if I follow your path, You will gain all the praise, and I will gain Your Heavenly Glory. That is the treasure I am seeking. Even that feels selfish in my earthly flesh, but I seek your face, God, your bright, beautiful, ever-glowing face. I know you have set me on this earth to shine a light – Your Light – into the darkest places, into every corner. Show me those corners, Lord, and help me fill them up. Amen.

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible.” – Ephesians 5:11-14

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